I have asked my adult daughter to write the post for today. As men and as members of the Church, we need to do better. Here is her post.
It’s ugly out here, and your boys need a clue.
That’s it, that’s the whole story in one sentence, but the reality is a bit more complex. Living online has not been helpful to any of us, really.
Honestly, being single in the church wasn’t something I ever planned to deal with. I’d been married for nearly thirty years when my (traumatic, awful, necessary) divorce was finalized two years ago. I was a wreck of a human with a whole host of issues to handle, and the church I was in had nothing whatever for singles of any age – much less for single Gen X people. So when my uncle and aunt suggested their church, I gave it a shot.
It was the largest Baptist church in the area – not a selling point on either count, for me. But it had a large, active singles department with its own building and its own ministerial staff. Age-guided classes, some coed, some just for women. I was ushered into the co-ed midlife group and immediately felt at home and accepted. And when I was hit on by nearly every man in my class and beyond, it was flattering. At first.
Two years later, the male attention hasn’t stopped. It hasn’t slowed down. Some of the same men I said “no thank you” to in 2021 are still asking. Some have gone beyond asking into insistence, mansplaining, and telling me about their “anger issues”. More than one has suggested prayer would help me and offered to do the honors. One very interesting guy messaged me on social media at midnight, several times, to ask me to pray for him. His immediate follow up question was whether I’d be interested in a hot tub party at his place. I could go on, but you get the idea. It’s ongoing. It’s not cute. And I’m editing for my audience, but it gets more graphic from there.
Long story short, sexual harassment is a problem in today’s church. A big enough problem that I am meeting with my church leadership this week to talk about what can be done to keep single women like me from walking away from church entirely. And I had to threaten to remove my membership to get even that response. My initial email went unanswered for most of a week before I followed up with a terse “so your response is no response, then” and only now is that meeting forthcoming. I’m not optimistic.
So… what changed? What led me from “oh this is a little weird but it’s fine, I’m just not used to being single” to “I want a meeting or I’m leaving and I’m telling the internet why”?
I said no. Several times. A few of the better guys got it the first time, but mostly… they didn’t. And I don’t like going to church, anymore.
I said no. Several times. A few of the better guys got it the first time, but mostly… they didn’t. And I don’t like going to church, anymore.
It’s long been known that church is where one goes to meet Christian people. And as single adults it makes sense that dating and even marriage will be on the table. There are three dating couples in my class, one of them engaged. One couple is almost certainly living together. We’re grownups over 40, nobody is surprised that the very lax “no dating while you’re in the same class” rule is routinely overlooked.
One problem is that newcomers to any singles group are, for want of a better term, fresh meat. Everyone who’s on the market for a mate will check out the new person, male or female. But in the evangelical culture, it’s still men who do the asking, for the most part. There is also the expectation within the church that single people not remain single for too long. If you do, you’re likely to find your ministry opportunities very thin and the side-eyes very intense. Are you gay? Are you just a terrible person? It’s much calmer for everyone to just … be with someone. The peer pressure at any age is real.
Single women in particular are relegated to children’s ministry, or a special needs ministry. But any teaching or mentoring of married people is not usually done by someone who is not, themselves, married. Even if they were married at one time. Maybe especially then.
More than that, single women are not easily accepted into married groups in the church, be they church-based or home groups. Wives don’t like single women hanging about too much. After a few run-ins with men in my church who turned out to be married, I totally understand why.
I wasn’t offended or upset by being asked out. The issue was that when I said “no”, I was blatantly disregarded. I’d tell a man “no” one week and have him sit right beside me the next Sunday, making conversation and suggesting we go out as though I had said nothing at all. And if one guy was smart enough to sit somewhere else, that seat was quickly taken by the next one in line.
I learned pretty quickly to be sure of events and locations, to be polite but distant when answering texts (and not to answer them immediately), and to refer men needing “prayer” to a male leader in the group. That helped. For awhile.
Over time, the attention became intrusive to my learning and worship. It caused me anxiety and sometimes fear. (Hint: do not back a woman into a hallway or a corner area and stand where she has to duck around you to escape. It’s not a good look.) I began to arrive early to class so I could be seated at a table next to a female friend, or arrive late so I could scope the room before sitting. I began leaving early. And after I had to block a few men off my socials and tell one very clearly to Just. Stop. Asking., I realized that the problem was not me.
If a woman says “no”, that needs to be it. No means no, the first time. In church or out of it.
Women like me need to learn that being a good Christian does not equal being nice, or saving someone’s feelings in the name of Christian fellowship or peace in the church. Nobody’s been overly concerned with my feeling peaceful. “Single” does not equal “available” does not equal “willing”.
And men in the church need to realize that church is not a bar. Church should be at least as safe as the workplace for women. Especially single women who may be divorced, who may have traumatic reasons for not dating, who are looking for Jesus – not for a man. Because believe me, if I find a man attractive enough, I’ll tell him so and let him decide what to do with that information. It hasn’t happened yet, but it could. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
And men in the church need to realize that church is not a bar. Church should be at least as safe as the workplace for women. Especially single women who may be divorced, who may have traumatic reasons for not dating, who are looking for Jesus – not for a man. Because believe me, if I find a man attractive enough, I’ll tell him so and let him decide what to do with that information. It hasn’t happened yet, but it could. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
The church is not safe for women in 2023. We are heard less and valued less than at any time in my memory – the incel movement is real and it is very strong among single men. The alpha-male, red-pill, extreme stances of cultural manhood right now are not compatible with empathy, respect or kindness toward the female gender. The societal issues at play are disheartening to many single women – this is borne out by a simple Google search or an hour on Reddit or Twitter. I’m not the only girl out here having this problem. In fact, I would say that if it’s happening to me, it has happened and is happening to someone you know.
If I’m dealing with this at my great age, what are the 25-year-olds handling? And we wonder why Gen Z is leaving the church en masse?
If I’m dealing with this at my great age, what are the 25-year-olds handling? And we wonder why Gen Z is leaving the church en masse?
Just look at this article. Seriously, give it a read. https://relevantmagazine.com/
Or this one: https://www.
If you’re a man, don’t hug a girl or woman without permission. It’s not hard to ask “can I hug you”. Better yet, wait to be hugged. And it’s fine to tell a woman outright that you find her attractive. She may say “thank you” or she may get flustered. But if she says “no thank you” or puts you off or doesn’t answer texts within a day or two? She’s not interested, buddy. Let it go. You are not going to convince her. She has either friendzoned you or no-zoned you and either way you are not getting a date. Be polite, like you would at work, and move on.
If you’re a woman, teach the girls and women around you that it is okay to say no. Yes, even in church.
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